mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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