ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
