either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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