I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
