I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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