She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
