Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
