Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
