So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
