my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
