No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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