i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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