If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
