It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
