are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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