I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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