My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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