My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
