just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
be right there i have to get my cape
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
