i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
