I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
