what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize