when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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