so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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