Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
