hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
