trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
