Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
