In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
