so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
