You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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