I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
