i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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