i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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