awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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