Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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