Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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