I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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