Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
