you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
