i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
