Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My pussy is not your playground.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
