Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
