That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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