I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
