the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
