You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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