i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I am morally bankrupt
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
