I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
