theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just invented taco cereal.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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