have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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