So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
