i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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