i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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