apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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