Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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