thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
